So, I did it. Finally ended it with my boyfriend. I’m miserable and feel like shit. I’ve been bawling my eyes out nonstop. I just wish we didn’t have to end it because of my parents. He knows he has my heart and always will, and vice versa with me. We both knew it was bound to happen and it was a matter of time. Personally, I had been fighting with the decision for quite some time but I knew that holding on would just make it harder. All I want is to hold onto him, but I can’t. I miss him already. We were talking about still keeping in contact and hanging out whenever we got the opportunity to. He wants to still be “best friends” but I think we both know after everything we’ve been through we can’t be best friends because we love each other more than that. However, I’m willing to try because I need him in my life. And he was mentioning that he wanted us to maybe try again in the future and I told him I would love to because I don’t believe we had a fair shot this time. He is most definitely my high school sweetheart. I know we will be together again because I just can’t resist him, haha. God, I love this kid. I’ve liked him since seventh grade, and we’ve been together on and off for almost two years now. He knows me inside and out and even though I know in my heart we can’t stay away from each other, I still cry and I’m still upset and miserable because I still had to let him go. He knows that he doesn’t compare to anyone else. He is my one and only and I love him. I just want to be with him… but I can’t.
This is a response to my previous blog post, What to do when your heart’s torn in two? Well, I’m still with the same guy, and things haven’t gotten any better. Him and I continue to drift apart more as the days go by. The sad thing is that I’m certain we aren’t going to work out. We had decided on giving it until spring break to see if things get better once we are back in our hometown. However, I haven’t really been the most faithful girl to him. I haven’t cheated on him, I don’t believe in cheating on a person. My view is if you are going to cheat, at least have some decency to break up with the person you are with first. But with all this negativeness in the air, I decided I wanted to be happy again. In hopes to distract myself from what’s been looming over my head, I’ve been talking and flirting with other guys. I know it’s wrong and not fair to him; I feel badly about it. Sometimes I think that this is just as bad as cheating on someone and I might as well cheat on him because I’m already doing something wrong. That’s not the worst part though… Not only have I been flirting with these other guys for fun, I’m also leading them on. I like some of them, and the others I just like to flirt with. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I know they all like me; I just don’t care if I hurt them or not. Some of the guys know the situation I’m in and they respect that; others have no clue what they got themselves into. Some women build up walls to protect themselves. Some women never date to protect themselves. I don’t do either one of those things, I hurt people emotionally because I’m hurting. I make guys think they stand a chance when in reality I have them so wrapped around my finger is disgusting. The bit of attention I get from these other guys helps me to feel better about my situation. I feel good about myself knowing I can have these guys when I want and how I want. I know I’m a horrible person because of this but I just can’t help it. This is what I’ve done and it’s what I know I’ll continue to do. This is how I mourn. This is my high. I never used to be like this however. A few years ago, someone hurt me so bad that something in me ticked and I’ve been this way ever since. I got strung along time after time by the same guy, always to have been let down by him. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and can’t bear to think that this is who I became. I used to hate women like me, and now this is me. There’s two things I believe whole-heartedily, one being never trust anyone but yourself, and more importantly number two is, behind every bitch is an asshole that made her that way, and behind every asshole is a bitch that made him that way. Some people call me a female player or a boss lady, others a maneater. I know that some guys would say I’m a bitch and a tease. Me? I know who I am. I’m coldhearted because I was made this way.
I’m not a very morbid person. I enjoy being happy and I always have a smile on my face. I also tend to see the bright side of things, the cup half full, so on and so forth. I’ve just been in a funk lately. There’s a guy who I can be my complete self around. He’s great, really. But is it bad that I have to justify his “greatness.” Because you see, this guy has hurt me many times. I have a lot of history with him and we’ve been dating on and off for almost two years now. Recently we have become distanced because he is six hours away at college and my parents hate him. Mind you, this is no Romeo and Juliet; my parents have legitimate reasons for not wanting me to be with him. Like I said, he has screwed me over PLENTY of times previously. Hell, his own mother doesn’t blame my parents. Bottom line is, he knows he’s been in the wrong. So, we’ve been trying to see each other but because of my parents he has to be a secret. He doesn’t want to be a secret; and frankly he shouldn’t have to be, and I don’t blame him because that’s just not fair to him and no one should be subjected to being a secret. It’s a horrible feeling. The fact of the matter is, I’ve been crying (which is terrible because I like to think of myself as a strong woman and I believe crying shows weakness) every time I think about this because I know I have to let him go. I don’t want to, I love him, but I know it won’t work. And so, here I am, venting; hoping that this will help a bit.