This is a response to my previous blog post, What to do when your heart’s torn in two? Well, I’m still with the same guy, and things haven’t gotten any better. Him and I continue to drift apart more as the days go by. The sad thing is that I’m certain we aren’t going to work out. We had decided on giving it until spring break to see if things get better once we are back in our hometown. However, I haven’t really been the most faithful girl to him. I haven’t cheated on him, I don’t believe in cheating on a person. My view is if you are going to cheat, at least have some decency to break up with the person you are with first. But with all this negativeness in the air, I decided I wanted to be happy again. In hopes to distract myself from what’s been looming over my head, I’ve been talking and flirting with other guys. I know it’s wrong and not fair to him; I feel badly about it. Sometimes I think that this is just as bad as cheating on someone and I might as well cheat on him because I’m already doing something wrong. That’s not the worst part though… Not only have I been flirting with these other guys for fun, I’m also leading them on. I like some of them, and the others I just like to flirt with. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I know they all like me; I just don’t care if I hurt them or not. Some of the guys know the situation I’m in and they respect that; others have no clue what they got themselves into. Some women build up walls to protect themselves. Some women never date to protect themselves. I don’t do either one of those things, I hurt people emotionally because I’m hurting. I make guys think they stand a chance when in reality I have them so wrapped around my finger is disgusting. The bit of attention I get from these other guys helps me to feel better about my situation. I feel good about myself knowing I can have these guys when I want and how I want. I know I’m a horrible person because of this but I just can’t help it. This is what I’ve done and it’s what I know I’ll continue to do. This is how I mourn. This is my high. I never used to be like this however. A few years ago, someone hurt me so bad that something in me ticked and I’ve been this way ever since. I got strung along time after time by the same guy, always to have been let down by him. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and can’t bear to think that this is who I became. I used to hate women like me, and now this is me. There’s two things I believe whole-heartedily, one being never trust anyone but yourself, and more importantly number two is, behind every bitch is an asshole that made her that way, and behind every asshole is a bitch that made him that way. Some people call me a female player or a boss lady, others a maneater. I know that some guys would say I’m a bitch and a tease. Me? I know who I am. I’m coldhearted because I was made this way.