I fucked up. How else can I put it? I was with a guy during my first semester of college, his name is Will, and then we went our separate ways and went back to our ex’s. We remained friends and then when my ex and I broke up again this kid from college wanted to be with me again. He’s such a sweetheart. He truly cared about me. I told him I couldn’t be with anyone because I was hurt from ending it with my ex. He completely understood and waited patiently for me, telling me that I deserve to be happy and he knew how I felt. I told him how I hurt guys and that’s how I cope. I tend to “hook up” with guys to get my mind off my ex boyfriends and when they like me I drop them and I hurt the people who care about me. He told me he was the same way and that no matter what I couldn’t hurt him because he has gone through hell. I told him I was afraid I was going to hurt him, and I meant that because I know how I am. During this period I accidentally friend zoned Will and I don’t know how. Finally when I decided I wanted to give it another try I realized I didn’t feel the same way anymore and it was unfortunate because he is a nice guy, he is someone I should be with, but I couldn’t take him out of the friend zone. I didn’t know how. So we remained friends. He liked me and I knew it but we were just friends.
Now we get to the part where I fucked up our friendship. I was at a party a few weeks ago and I saw his attractive roommate/teammate/close friend that I had been talking to for a bit and I went up to him and kissed him. I did it. And it didn’t stop there, I was making out with him. Then we would stop and say how wrong we thought it was because of Will. But that didn’t stop us, we kept making out. Sooo the roommate and I eventually agreed to forget that it happened and not tell Will because he would be too mad. The worst part was that while this was happening, I knew the risk I was taking and I didn’t care. I actually felt bad that I didn’t feel bad about what I did.
This past weekend was one of the best ever. I hung out with friends, went out to parties and had such a great time. It was exactly what I expected college to be like. I even went to an ABC party with Will and and other friends and he kept me away from a few guys that were creeping on me and I was right by his side the whole night, it was nice. Then I ended up staying over, which wasn’t the first time, but it wasn’t supposed to happen. Either way, we hooked up. We didn’t have sex though because I was drunk and he has more respect for me than that. One of my fears was that I would get him and lead him on if we hooked up, but we still hooked up. It was nice waking up next to Will and that was the best weekend in a long time. Then we spent the next day together and that was also great.
Back to the story, as of tonight the roommate told Will what happened at the party. He didn’t talk to me about it beforehand, just told Will. Now will wants nothing to do with me and I’m hurt. I didn’t care about the consequences before, but now I’m upset that I hurt him. He always said I wouldn’t hurt him, but I knew I could and I told him I was afraid of it, and I did it. I never wanted to, but somehow I always find a way to fuck things up. He’s done with me. Blocked me, unfollowed me, and I’m sure he deleted my number. Now I’m stuck in this rut. I just made some wonderful memories with him and now this?! I don’t know what I was thinking. I just can’t believe I did this. I knew I was cold hearted. I told Will how heartless I am, but I never realized I was this bad. Will liked me. He really cared about me, he was a nice guy! And I hooked up with his roommate/friend/teammate. What is wrong with me? How could I do that to someone? ESPECIALLY HIM?! But I did it. I hated girls like myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I became the person I never wanted to be. I changed for the worse. Want to know something else? Will told me I changed. He said “this isn’t the person I knew in the beginning of the year. That girl wouldn’t just hook up with anyone, ever” now look at me… I’m really horrible. I want to change back. I don’t want to be this person. All I do is hurt the people who care about me. And don’t get me wrong, I still can’t take Will out of the friend zone, I see him as a friend. But I don’t want to lose a great friend… I’m afraid that we will never speak to each other again. He’s transferring anyway as I wanted to keep in touch but now I won’t ever talk to him again because I know he wants nothing to do with me. Even if he did talk to me I know it will never be the same again. He will have lost all trust and respect for me, and I don’t blame him. I can’t imagine what I would do if I were in his place… Lesson learned, don’t lose sight of yourself and never hurt those that care the most about you, no matter what. You’ll end up like me, posting on my blog at 4:41 in the morning because you can’t sleep because you’re soo disgusted with yourself… I’m sorry to Will, and myself.