What am I fighting for?

So, part two of the Will story… Things had gotten better since my last post. I tried to make it up to Will, in fact I’m still trying. One day, we hung out at a park and he gave me an unexpected and undeserving (on my part) hug. I teared up at first and I told him I teared up a bit, but he claimed he knew that, he noticed. He hugged me again, tighter and I cried, in his arms. I wouldn’t let him see me though because I felt weak and I don’t like being weak. Crying shows weakness, in my eyes at least and I refuse to be weak or show weakness. He had said that it was a good thing though that I had cried because he had seen how truly sorry I was for everything that had happened. I guess that was good then. Anyway, after that we went back to his suite in his dorm and watched a movie and I ended up staying the night and we made out.

A few days later it really began to hit me that he was leaving and I really could lose him and I was about to lose him. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I don’t know how but I somehow managed to take Will out of the friend zone. I think it was the fear of losing him that made me realize how much I do care about him and how much I really do want to be with him because I like him so much. I ended up telling Will that I like him. It was the Friday before finals were starting and we talked about it. He told me he didn’t know what to say to me because he isn’t good with long distance. He was worried about cheating, mainly me over the summer because of my ex being home. And the fact that I previously made out with his friend/roommate/teammate didn’t help. It showed him that I can’t be trusted and I didn’t blame him. Who would trust someone like that? He also said it was the last week and if I had told him like a month sooner things would have been different because we would have been together and he would have gained more trust for me. He told me I was the perfect girl, but I waited too long. We said we would give it the summer and see how things go. When I had later asked him if we were talking or seeing other people over the summer, or what we were, he said he doesn’t know. He said he goes with the flow and if he finds someone else, then he does. And if he doesn’t then he doesn’t. But where does that leave me? Alone. I fucked up and now I’m paying for it because I finally want to be with him and it’s the wrong time, or so he says. Because part of me felt like his decision was also based on him wanting to be with another girl. My theory is that if he had wanted to be with me before, he should have no problem wanting to be with me now. The summer shouldn’t be a problem if we put in the effort to see each other and be with each other, but he doesn’t know if he wants to put in the effort yet. Which is heartbreaking. I also thought he had a thing with his best girl friend at home. She likes him so much and he knows it and he’s told me about her. He took her to her prom and even gave her hope that they may be together in the future. Which he claims he isn’t interested in her. But it bothers me that he is still giving her this “false hope” which I don’t know how “false” it really is… I’m worried I’m losing him, if I haven’t already, to this girl. I know I fucked up but I’ve been trying to make it right with him and I’m hurting myself in the process. I slept with this kid, I’ve fallen asleep in his arms and woke up there too, several times. I also had sex with him. He’s the second guy. I take that stuff very seriously, but I wanted to with him because he is someone I care so much for. I don’t regret it, but it just shows how much I really care about him. Yesterday I went home for the summer. I didn’t get to say bye to him so I drove back to college with my best friend and had them meet each other and just so I could say bye to him in person. I wanted to hug him one last time and kiss him one last time. I cried. I cried in his arms when he said it again, “I don’t know what to tell you” I wouldn’t let him see me, but he knew I was crying. I got in my car and bawled my eyes out. My friend told me we would visit him over the summer and it would be okay. But my fear is that he won’t want me to visit because he will be with someone else, that girl. I’m so willing to fix things and be with him now and he keeps fighting it, I don’t know if I can keep trying. I want to but I feel like this is his subtle hint at telling me to just let go because it’s too late now. I feel like things are different ever since I told him I like him. Now there’s another guy that is head over heels for me. He thinks I’m the greatest girl, but he is oblivious to everything. Will actually confronted me about this guy saying things like oh your boyfriend is texting you, and all these unnecessary comments. But he also claims not to be jealous because he has nothing to be jealous about. That bothers me. My thinking is that if he really isn’t jealous of some other guy trying to get me, then maybe he doesn’t really care about me enough to think he could lose me. So if he doesn’t care, what am I fighting for?

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