Every once in awhile… I break down

Every once in awhile I break down. I think of Will and my heart aches. It really hurts. I literally can feel the pain and it tears me down emotionally and physically. I wish for him to come back, I hope he realizes he wants me. But that’s just so unrealistic. I can’t help but think about him. What makes this worse is that I will never see him again. My previous ex boyfriends all lived in my area so I would see them and I could keep a friendship. I can’t do that with Will and it bothers me. I would love to see him around still I don’t want him out of my life forever. It’s not like I made that choice or I want it that way. He decided I should move on and now I have no option, but to do it. And you’d think the out of mind, out of sight idea would help me get over him, but it’s doing the complete opposite. It’s making me miserable because I feel like I will never speak to him again which is probably what’s going to end up happening. And I don’t know why this is taking such a toll on me but every time I think about him I want to cry. I miss him. I guess I’ll eventually get over this phase and get over him. But once I go back to college it’s all going to hit me again. He won’t be there and I’ll be stuck in the same place I am now, feeling the same way; as if I will never see him or talk to him again. Sometimes I just need to vent. This is that time.

Know what else sucks? I’m starting to hookup with guys again. I’m not trying to hurt them on purpose anymore, I’m just trying to have some good fun. But when I have these breakdowns, I realize all I want is one guy. I just want one person to make everything all better again. One guy to lay my head on and cry on his shoulder, and tell me everything is going to be okay because I have them now. I don’t need another guy best friend, I have those. I just need one guy to be there for me as my boyfriend. Someone I can share my happiness with and understands where I’m coming from. I’m sick of being single. It’s depressing. And it’s depressing me.

You can only move forward from here.

I did it. I told Will. I poured my heart out to him and I left myself vulnerable. I got hurt. Maybe this is my final karma. I told him,

“Okay well, can you please tell me where we stand then? I know you said that you’re just going with the flow but I need to know if you see us going anywhere because I’ve been putting in the effort and you aren’t. You just don’t seem interested and if I don’t text you or try to talk to you, then we don’t talk. I wanted to see you over the summer. I wanted to make it work. You’re the one who told me not to give up on someone I care about and clearly I care about you otherwise I wouldn’t keep bringing this up and bothering you about it. I just don’t want to hold on if you don’t see it going anywhere. And if you tell me that you don’t know, I guess I’m just gonna go with the flow as well and if someone comes along I’ll give them a try. I would love to be with you, but if you still aren’t sure, I’m not going to wait around and hurt myself in the process. I’ve tried proving myself to you that I can be trusted even if we’re 2 hours away, whether you know it or not and you don’t realize how many times nick has tried to see me and hang out and I just don’t. Because I don’t want to, because I’m trying to make this work.”

And he replied,

“Well honestly idk if it would work i didnt get into ship and im going to be moving out near pittsburg soon. I think it would just be best for you to move on”

So here I am. I’m numb. I bawled my eyes out until I could no longer produce tears. I don’t know. I’m at a loss for words. I’m emotionless and numb. But even novacaine can’t completely take away the pain. When the numbing goes away, I’ll still be left with the swelling and pain. But they will both go away and time will heal all. That’s when I’ll be able to move on completely, but for now I’m laying in bed at 3:18 in the morning because my dry eyes won’t rest.

What hurts the most is that I found someone I could tell everything to. Someone who understood me and kept me in line and always forgave me and listened to me. He gave me advice and stood by my side no matter how ridiculous I was being. He knew how to push my buttons and keep me coming back for more. We play fought and he challenged me all the time and I loved it. He’s respectful and never took advantage of me even when I was intoxicated; instead, he took care of me. Made sure I had warm clothes and I stayed hydrated. He held me close in his arms and in the morning that’s where I woke, in his arms. This guy knew me better than I knew myself. He had said it himself, we were too much alike. I was just like him. We were the same person.

Now when I go back to college it’s not going to be the same. I’m going to want to walk to his building and go in his suite and see him. I’ll want to fall asleep in his arms, comfortably in his tee shirt and shorts, to awaken in his arms. I’ll want to spend time with him, go out to parties with him, maybe the park, and just be with him. But I can’t. I can’t do any of these things because he’s not going to be there and that hurts.

I feel alone. Not so much now as I will once I’m on campus. Like I said, he cared (or cares, so I hope) about me. He would protect me. He would be there if I needed him. He said “call me and I’ll come.” He comforted me when I needed comforting. But he can’t do that now. And I feel like without him, I am all alone. I’m just hurting, badly. I keep reminiscing and it gets me nowhere. I don’t get how he could be so cold. I miss him already.

You can’t dwell on the past and expect to move forward. Pain is only Temporary.

So I’m hurt. Will hasn’t really shown much sign of us improving. Even though he is two and a half hours away and can’t actually see me and see that I have been attempting to make this work, I’ve been trying to prove to him that I really can be faithful and that I’m putting in 110%. However he hasn’t done the same. I thought things were getting better and we were moving forward; especially because when we had conversations I would make comments about how he would get along with my family and he would tell me that he was sure he would. He also mentioned that he might come visit and actually meet my family, and so on and so forth. Things were looking up. I decided to test it though, so I didn’t text him one day to see if he would make an effort to talk to me. Then that day passed and another day passed, until I sent him a picture of a project I had done. I had created a melted crayon canvas and I only sent him the picture of my finished project because earlier in the year we sat on his couch and looked up art projects and I told him I wanted to do this some day. It was just a nice memory and I thought and hoped it would spark his memory of a time when we were together and happy. I didn’t try to start a conversation, just merely wanted him to remember and see this. He mentioned that he remembered how I always said I wanted to do this and I told him he was right. And for that short moment I was ecstatic, but then he never continued our conversation. So I had said goodnight and put my hopes to rest. Days continued to pass until the next thing I know I haven’t spoken to him in a week. And it just showed me that he didn’t care enough to talk to me. He was okay with never hearing from me. It never occurred to him that something was wrong. I realized he wasn’t meeting me halfway, I was putting in all the work and if I didn’t try, we would never have spoken since our last goodbye at college.

I decided to keep trying and talking to him and hoped I’d get through to him and make him realize things would work between us despite what happened in the past. So recently, we had a nice conversation and upon saying good night, I questioned whether the way he speaks to me has changed. So I re read some messages from months earlier and noticed how much he tried to be with me and to prove that he wanted me and only me. He put in the effort and now when he speaks to me he doesn’t try anymore. So I got upset because when I re read those conversations I also noticed how much I didn’t care that he was trying. I disregarded him and his efforts and now the tables have turned. And I realized the tables turned because of what I did to him and I blamed myself for everything. So I apologized yet again saying,

This is completely off topic and out of the blue and I should be asleep but I guess I never really realized how great you were before and how much you tried hanging out with me at college and how sweet you were and understanding with me. I’m sorry I took you for granted. I don’t know what made this thought pop in my mind. But it did. And I wanted to tell you.

his reply was cold,

Dont worry about it the past is the past goodnight lidia

afterwards I had said,

You always say that but I can’t help but dwell and I know I must get annoying by bringing up all this stuff, you probably don’t want to keep hearing about it and I’m sorry for that. I just fucked up and I’m sorry, good night Will.

The fact that he never answered me or decided to text me in the morning or even days later was a colder reply.

It was now that I realized I can’t keep waiting on someone who doesn’t want to be with me; or someone who does, but isn’t showing it or that won’t show it because of distance and the lack of trust due to the past. And I thought about it, I know I messed up. I’ve been dwelling on this for far too long though. Everyone messes up, but at least I took the time and effort to make things right. I tried proving to him that I’m trustworthy. So I don’t understand why I should keep beating myself up over this. I want nothing more than to be with him right now, but if he’s not in this to make it work then I won’t wait around and I plan on telling him that. In the beginning he told me that we would give it the summer to see how things go, but he’s just going to go with the flow and of he finds someone else, he does; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Now that’s exactly what I plan on telling him. If someone comes along, I’m going to give them a chance because I can’t keep trying and waiting around for nothing. Now the only problem with this whole epiphany is that I’ve been pmsing and extra emotional, so I don’t know if I’m even making the right decision by telling him my conclusion. I figured I’d wait until my period is over and maybe I’ll visit him first to see if that might open his eyes to the fact that I’ve been here proving myself to him this whole time. Maybe then he will start to meet me half way, but if he doesn’t, he’ll get an ultimatum.
The last thing I’d like to bring up is how this whole epiphany has hurt me. And if you have read my previous entries, you know how I get when guys hurt me. And if you haven’t read my previous posts, GO READ THEM! But if you’re too lazy to do that, I’ll brief you quickly; you see I’m the kind of person that if I get hurt, I want others to hurt. I’m a horrible person, I know. But if a guy hurts me I go through these phases where I just want to hookup with guys and play them and hurt them. I want to make innocent guys feel the pain I’m feeling. Why? Just because I can. It’s just how I’ve always been, that was my way of coping. I never could stop it. My point here is that I couldn’t stop my old ways until now. After this experience, I was hurting and my first thought was, “who am I going to talk to and hurt now; who’s my first victim.” Then I stopped, 💡I thought to myself, if there is one thing I learned from this whole situation where I hurt Will, hooked up with his teammate/roommate/friend, and fucked everything up, it’s not to do what I’ve done. I’ve just lived through all this turmoil because of what I did before and how heartless I was. Why would I set myself up for it again? I’m in this position BECAUSE of my old ways, why would I go back to them? So I thought of Will and I broke the cycle and I realized I don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I’d rather be hurt than hurt others if it means I’ll eventually find happiness with the right person. I’m willing to put myself through that. So Will, I’m sorry you had to hurt at my expense, so I would break my cycle and become a better person. But I am a better person now because of it, and for that, I thank you. ❤ ❤