You can’t dwell on the past and expect to move forward. Pain is only Temporary.

So I’m hurt. Will hasn’t really shown much sign of us improving. Even though he is two and a half hours away and can’t actually see me and see that I have been attempting to make this work, I’ve been trying to prove to him that I really can be faithful and that I’m putting in 110%. However he hasn’t done the same. I thought things were getting better and we were moving forward; especially because when we had conversations I would make comments about how he would get along with my family and he would tell me that he was sure he would. He also mentioned that he might come visit and actually meet my family, and so on and so forth. Things were looking up. I decided to test it though, so I didn’t text him one day to see if he would make an effort to talk to me. Then that day passed and another day passed, until I sent him a picture of a project I had done. I had created a melted crayon canvas and I only sent him the picture of my finished project because earlier in the year we sat on his couch and looked up art projects and I told him I wanted to do this some day. It was just a nice memory and I thought and hoped it would spark his memory of a time when we were together and happy. I didn’t try to start a conversation, just merely wanted him to remember and see this. He mentioned that he remembered how I always said I wanted to do this and I told him he was right. And for that short moment I was ecstatic, but then he never continued our conversation. So I had said goodnight and put my hopes to rest. Days continued to pass until the next thing I know I haven’t spoken to him in a week. And it just showed me that he didn’t care enough to talk to me. He was okay with never hearing from me. It never occurred to him that something was wrong. I realized he wasn’t meeting me halfway, I was putting in all the work and if I didn’t try, we would never have spoken since our last goodbye at college.

I decided to keep trying and talking to him and hoped I’d get through to him and make him realize things would work between us despite what happened in the past. So recently, we had a nice conversation and upon saying good night, I questioned whether the way he speaks to me has changed. So I re read some messages from months earlier and noticed how much he tried to be with me and to prove that he wanted me and only me. He put in the effort and now when he speaks to me he doesn’t try anymore. So I got upset because when I re read those conversations I also noticed how much I didn’t care that he was trying. I disregarded him and his efforts and now the tables have turned. And I realized the tables turned because of what I did to him and I blamed myself for everything. So I apologized yet again saying,

This is completely off topic and out of the blue and I should be asleep but I guess I never really realized how great you were before and how much you tried hanging out with me at college and how sweet you were and understanding with me. I’m sorry I took you for granted. I don’t know what made this thought pop in my mind. But it did. And I wanted to tell you.

his reply was cold,

Dont worry about it the past is the past goodnight lidia

afterwards I had said,

You always say that but I can’t help but dwell and I know I must get annoying by bringing up all this stuff, you probably don’t want to keep hearing about it and I’m sorry for that. I just fucked up and I’m sorry, good night Will.

The fact that he never answered me or decided to text me in the morning or even days later was a colder reply.

It was now that I realized I can’t keep waiting on someone who doesn’t want to be with me; or someone who does, but isn’t showing it or that won’t show it because of distance and the lack of trust due to the past. And I thought about it, I know I messed up. I’ve been dwelling on this for far too long though. Everyone messes up, but at least I took the time and effort to make things right. I tried proving to him that I’m trustworthy. So I don’t understand why I should keep beating myself up over this. I want nothing more than to be with him right now, but if he’s not in this to make it work then I won’t wait around and I plan on telling him that. In the beginning he told me that we would give it the summer to see how things go, but he’s just going to go with the flow and of he finds someone else, he does; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Now that’s exactly what I plan on telling him. If someone comes along, I’m going to give them a chance because I can’t keep trying and waiting around for nothing. Now the only problem with this whole epiphany is that I’ve been pmsing and extra emotional, so I don’t know if I’m even making the right decision by telling him my conclusion. I figured I’d wait until my period is over and maybe I’ll visit him first to see if that might open his eyes to the fact that I’ve been here proving myself to him this whole time. Maybe then he will start to meet me half way, but if he doesn’t, he’ll get an ultimatum.
The last thing I’d like to bring up is how this whole epiphany has hurt me. And if you have read my previous entries, you know how I get when guys hurt me. And if you haven’t read my previous posts, GO READ THEM! But if you’re too lazy to do that, I’ll brief you quickly; you see I’m the kind of person that if I get hurt, I want others to hurt. I’m a horrible person, I know. But if a guy hurts me I go through these phases where I just want to hookup with guys and play them and hurt them. I want to make innocent guys feel the pain I’m feeling. Why? Just because I can. It’s just how I’ve always been, that was my way of coping. I never could stop it. My point here is that I couldn’t stop my old ways until now. After this experience, I was hurting and my first thought was, “who am I going to talk to and hurt now; who’s my first victim.” Then I stopped, 💡I thought to myself, if there is one thing I learned from this whole situation where I hurt Will, hooked up with his teammate/roommate/friend, and fucked everything up, it’s not to do what I’ve done. I’ve just lived through all this turmoil because of what I did before and how heartless I was. Why would I set myself up for it again? I’m in this position BECAUSE of my old ways, why would I go back to them? So I thought of Will and I broke the cycle and I realized I don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I’d rather be hurt than hurt others if it means I’ll eventually find happiness with the right person. I’m willing to put myself through that. So Will, I’m sorry you had to hurt at my expense, so I would break my cycle and become a better person. But I am a better person now because of it, and for that, I thank you. ❤ ❤

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s