I did it. I told Will. I poured my heart out to him and I left myself vulnerable. I got hurt. Maybe this is my final karma. I told him,
“Okay well, can you please tell me where we stand then? I know you said that you’re just going with the flow but I need to know if you see us going anywhere because I’ve been putting in the effort and you aren’t. You just don’t seem interested and if I don’t text you or try to talk to you, then we don’t talk. I wanted to see you over the summer. I wanted to make it work. You’re the one who told me not to give up on someone I care about and clearly I care about you otherwise I wouldn’t keep bringing this up and bothering you about it. I just don’t want to hold on if you don’t see it going anywhere. And if you tell me that you don’t know, I guess I’m just gonna go with the flow as well and if someone comes along I’ll give them a try. I would love to be with you, but if you still aren’t sure, I’m not going to wait around and hurt myself in the process. I’ve tried proving myself to you that I can be trusted even if we’re 2 hours away, whether you know it or not and you don’t realize how many times nick has tried to see me and hang out and I just don’t. Because I don’t want to, because I’m trying to make this work.”
And he replied,
“Well honestly idk if it would work i didnt get into ship and im going to be moving out near pittsburg soon. I think it would just be best for you to move on”
So here I am. I’m numb. I bawled my eyes out until I could no longer produce tears. I don’t know. I’m at a loss for words. I’m emotionless and numb. But even novacaine can’t completely take away the pain. When the numbing goes away, I’ll still be left with the swelling and pain. But they will both go away and time will heal all. That’s when I’ll be able to move on completely, but for now I’m laying in bed at 3:18 in the morning because my dry eyes won’t rest.
What hurts the most is that I found someone I could tell everything to. Someone who understood me and kept me in line and always forgave me and listened to me. He gave me advice and stood by my side no matter how ridiculous I was being. He knew how to push my buttons and keep me coming back for more. We play fought and he challenged me all the time and I loved it. He’s respectful and never took advantage of me even when I was intoxicated; instead, he took care of me. Made sure I had warm clothes and I stayed hydrated. He held me close in his arms and in the morning that’s where I woke, in his arms. This guy knew me better than I knew myself. He had said it himself, we were too much alike. I was just like him. We were the same person.
Now when I go back to college it’s not going to be the same. I’m going to want to walk to his building and go in his suite and see him. I’ll want to fall asleep in his arms, comfortably in his tee shirt and shorts, to awaken in his arms. I’ll want to spend time with him, go out to parties with him, maybe the park, and just be with him. But I can’t. I can’t do any of these things because he’s not going to be there and that hurts.
I feel alone. Not so much now as I will once I’m on campus. Like I said, he cared (or cares, so I hope) about me. He would protect me. He would be there if I needed him. He said “call me and I’ll come.” He comforted me when I needed comforting. But he can’t do that now. And I feel like without him, I am all alone. I’m just hurting, badly. I keep reminiscing and it gets me nowhere. I don’t get how he could be so cold. I miss him already.