Maybe I just expected too much

I have been depressed and I didn’t even know it until now. Depression sort of sneaks up on you sometimes. I haven’t been truly happy in months, and I can’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled. I’m always known for being the happiest girl. No one ever thinks there is anything wrong but I just mask my feelings well.
I don’t want this to be another sappy heartbreak story, but I’m afraid there’s a fine line here and my story is flirting with it.
There have been guys in my life that come and go just like any girl may have. Normally I don’t get upset over petty guys that enter and leave my life, but now I’m confused. In order to understand my perspective, I need to explain the beginning. I started liking a guy named Nick (another one, I know). Nick isn’t the kind of guy that goes out to parties and socializes; he says inside and keep to himself and close friends. That’s not a problem, he enjoys being this way and I stood by him. It didn’t seem like he supported me though. I like to do different things, I’m not a party girl, I don’t go out all the time, but I do enjoy going out. Nick almost makes me feel bad for wanting to go to parties. And that’s just one example. He just makes me feel lowly about myself or guilty for wanting to go out and I don’t believe he trusts me. That hurts. So I gave things a chance and now I’m feeling as if I can’t be with him. I plan to end it.
This didn’t depress me. Nick is one of those guys that can walk in and out of my life and it won’t affect me. What bothered me this weekend was the fact that I got a text Friday night from Will, remember him? Well I was dumbfounded. I sat there thinking, “after all of this shit he put me through, he thinks he can just talk to me like nothing is wrong?” he said he was visiting my college for the weekend and he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too, even though he hurt me. I saw him at a party, talked a bit, and then left. Later that same night, I asked him to come over to hangout and talk. When he came we talked about everything that happened previously. He took the blame for what happened between us, and apologized. He said he has always cared about and always will. If I need anything, to call him or text him. He said he never stopped thinking about me and even his friends hear about me. Him and I ended up making out. It just felt so right between us. The chemistry was still there, it was like he never left. I missed feeling that way about a guy, I missed having someone there to hold me and comfort me. Us together, was passionate. I was ecstatic to have him there. I hadn’t seen this guy in 7 months and it was just so unreal that he was there, this weekend, with me. I hadn’t been truly happy for sometime, but that night I was in complete euphoria. I had the most genuine smile on my face and nothing could have changed that. I hadn’t felt so strongly for a person in awhile. I missed Will, everything about him. When we were together in college last year, I stayed the night, and he respected me. I missed falling asleep in his arms. I always felt safe with him. Will didn’t stay the night though because I couldn’t risk Nick coming over in the morning and seeing Will.
The next night, Saturday, I told Will to sleep over. I planned on having sex with him this time because the night before I realized how the feelings between us never left and I could sense the sexual tension between the both of us. I didn’t go to a party that night, instead I stayed in and drank with some friends. Will did go out, and he was supposed to come back to my place after the party. Next thing I know, I’m waiting up for him and it’s 2 in the morning and someone texts me from his phone saying he’s drunk and passed out at a friend’s.
Feelings of sorrow and anger came rushing, flooding my body. I just was hurt. Completely broken and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why it hurt me so bad to have that happen. I hadn’t seen this guy in 7 months and I haven’t talked to him for about 5. Then he comes back, I spend part of one night with him, and now I’m a wreck because he doesn’t show up the next night. But I’m confused, why does it hurt me so bad? I bawled my eyes out that night, cried myself to sleep, and when I woke up, I cried some more.
This morning, he called me. He was outside my building. He forgot his hat the night he came over so I went to give it back to him. As I approached the car he got out, took the hat, and hugged me. I did not return the hug. He stood me up! How could I? How could I let him think that was okay? I was looking forward to him staying over that night and he let himself get so drunk to the point where he passes out and can’t even respond to me himself! I was furious! As I stood there in front of him, I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. My eyes began to gloss over and tears were pooling up. I looked away. I didn’t know what to say to him except, “you’re ridiculous” to which he responded saying, “I know.” I looked up at him, eye to eye, and said I was leaving. He didn’t stop me and I think that’s what hurt the most. He just let me walk away so easily. How could that have been the same guy that told me he never stopped thinking about me? The same guy that told me he always cared about me, I don’t know. As I walked through my building back to my room, I held in my tears. The second I reached my door, I burst out crying. That was it. I hoped he would do something to make things right, but he didn’t in that moment, nor any moment after that. I doubt he will make an effort. This is the guy that now lives 6 hours away from me. Why would he make an effort? He probably won’t see me again, if not for a very long while. So am I overreacting? Did I expect too much out of a guy that I’m not dating, a guy I hadn’t seen for 7 months? Forgive me for feeling that chemistry. Forgive me for believing things were as if he never left. Forgive me for being so naive. I just don’t know. Did I maybe deserve this? Because I had been seeing Will this weekend when I hadn’t ended it with Nick yet? Is it karma? Or is it my idiocy. I just can’t fathom how unreal and right things felt that Friday night, and now he doesn’t even say sorry.
I just missed him so much. How can you call me beautiful, say you might have a reason now to come back to this college, and then do this to me? I can’t… I just don’t know.

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