Maybe I just expected too much

I have been depressed and I didn’t even know it until now. Depression sort of sneaks up on you sometimes. I haven’t been truly happy in months, and I can’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled. I’m always known for being the happiest girl. No one ever thinks there is anything wrong but I just mask my feelings well.
I don’t want this to be another sappy heartbreak story, but I’m afraid there’s a fine line here and my story is flirting with it.
There have been guys in my life that come and go just like any girl may have. Normally I don’t get upset over petty guys that enter and leave my life, but now I’m confused. In order to understand my perspective, I need to explain the beginning. I started liking a guy named Nick (another one, I know). Nick isn’t the kind of guy that goes out to parties and socializes; he says inside and keep to himself and close friends. That’s not a problem, he enjoys being this way and I stood by him. It didn’t seem like he supported me though. I like to do different things, I’m not a party girl, I don’t go out all the time, but I do enjoy going out. Nick almost makes me feel bad for wanting to go to parties. And that’s just one example. He just makes me feel lowly about myself or guilty for wanting to go out and I don’t believe he trusts me. That hurts. So I gave things a chance and now I’m feeling as if I can’t be with him. I plan to end it.
This didn’t depress me. Nick is one of those guys that can walk in and out of my life and it won’t affect me. What bothered me this weekend was the fact that I got a text Friday night from Will, remember him? Well I was dumbfounded. I sat there thinking, “after all of this shit he put me through, he thinks he can just talk to me like nothing is wrong?” he said he was visiting my college for the weekend and he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too, even though he hurt me. I saw him at a party, talked a bit, and then left. Later that same night, I asked him to come over to hangout and talk. When he came we talked about everything that happened previously. He took the blame for what happened between us, and apologized. He said he has always cared about and always will. If I need anything, to call him or text him. He said he never stopped thinking about me and even his friends hear about me. Him and I ended up making out. It just felt so right between us. The chemistry was still there, it was like he never left. I missed feeling that way about a guy, I missed having someone there to hold me and comfort me. Us together, was passionate. I was ecstatic to have him there. I hadn’t seen this guy in 7 months and it was just so unreal that he was there, this weekend, with me. I hadn’t been truly happy for sometime, but that night I was in complete euphoria. I had the most genuine smile on my face and nothing could have changed that. I hadn’t felt so strongly for a person in awhile. I missed Will, everything about him. When we were together in college last year, I stayed the night, and he respected me. I missed falling asleep in his arms. I always felt safe with him. Will didn’t stay the night though because I couldn’t risk Nick coming over in the morning and seeing Will.
The next night, Saturday, I told Will to sleep over. I planned on having sex with him this time because the night before I realized how the feelings between us never left and I could sense the sexual tension between the both of us. I didn’t go to a party that night, instead I stayed in and drank with some friends. Will did go out, and he was supposed to come back to my place after the party. Next thing I know, I’m waiting up for him and it’s 2 in the morning and someone texts me from his phone saying he’s drunk and passed out at a friend’s.
Feelings of sorrow and anger came rushing, flooding my body. I just was hurt. Completely broken and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why it hurt me so bad to have that happen. I hadn’t seen this guy in 7 months and I haven’t talked to him for about 5. Then he comes back, I spend part of one night with him, and now I’m a wreck because he doesn’t show up the next night. But I’m confused, why does it hurt me so bad? I bawled my eyes out that night, cried myself to sleep, and when I woke up, I cried some more.
This morning, he called me. He was outside my building. He forgot his hat the night he came over so I went to give it back to him. As I approached the car he got out, took the hat, and hugged me. I did not return the hug. He stood me up! How could I? How could I let him think that was okay? I was looking forward to him staying over that night and he let himself get so drunk to the point where he passes out and can’t even respond to me himself! I was furious! As I stood there in front of him, I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. My eyes began to gloss over and tears were pooling up. I looked away. I didn’t know what to say to him except, “you’re ridiculous” to which he responded saying, “I know.” I looked up at him, eye to eye, and said I was leaving. He didn’t stop me and I think that’s what hurt the most. He just let me walk away so easily. How could that have been the same guy that told me he never stopped thinking about me? The same guy that told me he always cared about me, I don’t know. As I walked through my building back to my room, I held in my tears. The second I reached my door, I burst out crying. That was it. I hoped he would do something to make things right, but he didn’t in that moment, nor any moment after that. I doubt he will make an effort. This is the guy that now lives 6 hours away from me. Why would he make an effort? He probably won’t see me again, if not for a very long while. So am I overreacting? Did I expect too much out of a guy that I’m not dating, a guy I hadn’t seen for 7 months? Forgive me for feeling that chemistry. Forgive me for believing things were as if he never left. Forgive me for being so naive. I just don’t know. Did I maybe deserve this? Because I had been seeing Will this weekend when I hadn’t ended it with Nick yet? Is it karma? Or is it my idiocy. I just can’t fathom how unreal and right things felt that Friday night, and now he doesn’t even say sorry.
I just missed him so much. How can you call me beautiful, say you might have a reason now to come back to this college, and then do this to me? I can’t… I just don’t know.

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Psychic

I spoke with a psychic yesterday out of curiosity and for fun. She told me about my past, present, and future. The psychic began by saying I’m a good hearted person and I give and try to help people but they don’t always do the same for me. She said I’m not surrounded by the best people right now. Two of my friends I can’t trust, and I know who they are. The second she told me that, two people came to mind. She continued by telling me how there is a guy right now in my life and I like him a lot but things aren’t going to work out. Him and I should just remain friends. There is a guy in my life right now and he is leaving for the navy tomorrow (technically today) and we actually spoke about where we see ourselves and we are trying but he doesn’t have me convinced that he believes we’ll work. So I guess we’ll see. She also told me I’m a jealous person which is 100% true. When I realized she nailed it and got me down to a tee I thought I’d actually listen to what she said my future consisted of. She said I haven’t met my soulmate yet. I’ll meet him in a year to a year and a half at a party. A friend of mine will introduce us. but that kind of bothers me because I still like this navy kid a lot. It bothers me that she told me not to be with one of the guys that knows me inside and out, I’m afraid of losing him, a guy that was crazy about me. But apparently I’m going to date this kid for a while and eventually marry him. I’ll end up with three kids, twin girls and a boy. I will be financially secure and the guy I will marry comes from a well off family. He will travel a lot due to his job and sometimes I’ll travel with him and other times I won’t. But I’ll also end up living in a warm region. I’ll only be with my soulmate, no divorces. And I will live a long happy life. She did see illness however, but nothing too serious. She complimented my auora as well. I guess we’ll see where this goes. I’m just so upset about her telling me it won’t work with the guy in my life right now (navy kid) and we will only be friends. I blew her off with that, but these past few days the guy in my life right now has become more distant and seems like he isn’t trying at all. And he told me that he wants to get through bootcamp and school first before he thinks about a relationship. He said he doesn’t want me to wait for him and if someone better comes along I should give them a try. But I doubt someone will and plus I don’t want anyone right now. And I’m scared this psychic will be right because things aren’t looking well with my navy guy. And I’m afraid that when he does come back maybe he will want to be with me but I will have found someone. I should be okay with it though right? Because it is supposed to be my soulmate. But I’m not okay with it. Mainly because I’m afraid I never gave my navy guy a fair shot in the years we’ve been on and off with each other. And because of what happened with Will, I’m afraid of screwing something up with a nice guy. How could she tell me that a guy that knows me so well is better off as my friend and it won’t work? How dare she. And on top of that, the navy guy has always told me how great I am, how beautiful I am, and how any guy would be lucky to have me and would kill for a girl like me. He brings me up. He always has. And now he’s telling me how if he can’t give me the best and what I deserve then I should be with someone else who can, someone better than him. But how could there be anyone better than the guy that has always told me I deserve the best and truly believes it, more than I do. I’m lost, and I don’t know what to think. I just don’t think he’s interested or fully into this, so I’m just going with the flow. Whatever happens, happens. Hopefully my navy guy comes back in a year from now as a new person and the old him can introduce me to the new him.

Every once in awhile… I break down

Every once in awhile I break down. I think of Will and my heart aches. It really hurts. I literally can feel the pain and it tears me down emotionally and physically. I wish for him to come back, I hope he realizes he wants me. But that’s just so unrealistic. I can’t help but think about him. What makes this worse is that I will never see him again. My previous ex boyfriends all lived in my area so I would see them and I could keep a friendship. I can’t do that with Will and it bothers me. I would love to see him around still I don’t want him out of my life forever. It’s not like I made that choice or I want it that way. He decided I should move on and now I have no option, but to do it. And you’d think the out of mind, out of sight idea would help me get over him, but it’s doing the complete opposite. It’s making me miserable because I feel like I will never speak to him again which is probably what’s going to end up happening. And I don’t know why this is taking such a toll on me but every time I think about him I want to cry. I miss him. I guess I’ll eventually get over this phase and get over him. But once I go back to college it’s all going to hit me again. He won’t be there and I’ll be stuck in the same place I am now, feeling the same way; as if I will never see him or talk to him again. Sometimes I just need to vent. This is that time.

Know what else sucks? I’m starting to hookup with guys again. I’m not trying to hurt them on purpose anymore, I’m just trying to have some good fun. But when I have these breakdowns, I realize all I want is one guy. I just want one person to make everything all better again. One guy to lay my head on and cry on his shoulder, and tell me everything is going to be okay because I have them now. I don’t need another guy best friend, I have those. I just need one guy to be there for me as my boyfriend. Someone I can share my happiness with and understands where I’m coming from. I’m sick of being single. It’s depressing. And it’s depressing me.

You can only move forward from here.

I did it. I told Will. I poured my heart out to him and I left myself vulnerable. I got hurt. Maybe this is my final karma. I told him,

“Okay well, can you please tell me where we stand then? I know you said that you’re just going with the flow but I need to know if you see us going anywhere because I’ve been putting in the effort and you aren’t. You just don’t seem interested and if I don’t text you or try to talk to you, then we don’t talk. I wanted to see you over the summer. I wanted to make it work. You’re the one who told me not to give up on someone I care about and clearly I care about you otherwise I wouldn’t keep bringing this up and bothering you about it. I just don’t want to hold on if you don’t see it going anywhere. And if you tell me that you don’t know, I guess I’m just gonna go with the flow as well and if someone comes along I’ll give them a try. I would love to be with you, but if you still aren’t sure, I’m not going to wait around and hurt myself in the process. I’ve tried proving myself to you that I can be trusted even if we’re 2 hours away, whether you know it or not and you don’t realize how many times nick has tried to see me and hang out and I just don’t. Because I don’t want to, because I’m trying to make this work.”

And he replied,

“Well honestly idk if it would work i didnt get into ship and im going to be moving out near pittsburg soon. I think it would just be best for you to move on”

So here I am. I’m numb. I bawled my eyes out until I could no longer produce tears. I don’t know. I’m at a loss for words. I’m emotionless and numb. But even novacaine can’t completely take away the pain. When the numbing goes away, I’ll still be left with the swelling and pain. But they will both go away and time will heal all. That’s when I’ll be able to move on completely, but for now I’m laying in bed at 3:18 in the morning because my dry eyes won’t rest.

What hurts the most is that I found someone I could tell everything to. Someone who understood me and kept me in line and always forgave me and listened to me. He gave me advice and stood by my side no matter how ridiculous I was being. He knew how to push my buttons and keep me coming back for more. We play fought and he challenged me all the time and I loved it. He’s respectful and never took advantage of me even when I was intoxicated; instead, he took care of me. Made sure I had warm clothes and I stayed hydrated. He held me close in his arms and in the morning that’s where I woke, in his arms. This guy knew me better than I knew myself. He had said it himself, we were too much alike. I was just like him. We were the same person.

Now when I go back to college it’s not going to be the same. I’m going to want to walk to his building and go in his suite and see him. I’ll want to fall asleep in his arms, comfortably in his tee shirt and shorts, to awaken in his arms. I’ll want to spend time with him, go out to parties with him, maybe the park, and just be with him. But I can’t. I can’t do any of these things because he’s not going to be there and that hurts.

I feel alone. Not so much now as I will once I’m on campus. Like I said, he cared (or cares, so I hope) about me. He would protect me. He would be there if I needed him. He said “call me and I’ll come.” He comforted me when I needed comforting. But he can’t do that now. And I feel like without him, I am all alone. I’m just hurting, badly. I keep reminiscing and it gets me nowhere. I don’t get how he could be so cold. I miss him already.

You can’t dwell on the past and expect to move forward. Pain is only Temporary.

So I’m hurt. Will hasn’t really shown much sign of us improving. Even though he is two and a half hours away and can’t actually see me and see that I have been attempting to make this work, I’ve been trying to prove to him that I really can be faithful and that I’m putting in 110%. However he hasn’t done the same. I thought things were getting better and we were moving forward; especially because when we had conversations I would make comments about how he would get along with my family and he would tell me that he was sure he would. He also mentioned that he might come visit and actually meet my family, and so on and so forth. Things were looking up. I decided to test it though, so I didn’t text him one day to see if he would make an effort to talk to me. Then that day passed and another day passed, until I sent him a picture of a project I had done. I had created a melted crayon canvas and I only sent him the picture of my finished project because earlier in the year we sat on his couch and looked up art projects and I told him I wanted to do this some day. It was just a nice memory and I thought and hoped it would spark his memory of a time when we were together and happy. I didn’t try to start a conversation, just merely wanted him to remember and see this. He mentioned that he remembered how I always said I wanted to do this and I told him he was right. And for that short moment I was ecstatic, but then he never continued our conversation. So I had said goodnight and put my hopes to rest. Days continued to pass until the next thing I know I haven’t spoken to him in a week. And it just showed me that he didn’t care enough to talk to me. He was okay with never hearing from me. It never occurred to him that something was wrong. I realized he wasn’t meeting me halfway, I was putting in all the work and if I didn’t try, we would never have spoken since our last goodbye at college.

I decided to keep trying and talking to him and hoped I’d get through to him and make him realize things would work between us despite what happened in the past. So recently, we had a nice conversation and upon saying good night, I questioned whether the way he speaks to me has changed. So I re read some messages from months earlier and noticed how much he tried to be with me and to prove that he wanted me and only me. He put in the effort and now when he speaks to me he doesn’t try anymore. So I got upset because when I re read those conversations I also noticed how much I didn’t care that he was trying. I disregarded him and his efforts and now the tables have turned. And I realized the tables turned because of what I did to him and I blamed myself for everything. So I apologized yet again saying,

This is completely off topic and out of the blue and I should be asleep but I guess I never really realized how great you were before and how much you tried hanging out with me at college and how sweet you were and understanding with me. I’m sorry I took you for granted. I don’t know what made this thought pop in my mind. But it did. And I wanted to tell you.

his reply was cold,

Dont worry about it the past is the past goodnight lidia

afterwards I had said,

You always say that but I can’t help but dwell and I know I must get annoying by bringing up all this stuff, you probably don’t want to keep hearing about it and I’m sorry for that. I just fucked up and I’m sorry, good night Will.

The fact that he never answered me or decided to text me in the morning or even days later was a colder reply.

It was now that I realized I can’t keep waiting on someone who doesn’t want to be with me; or someone who does, but isn’t showing it or that won’t show it because of distance and the lack of trust due to the past. And I thought about it, I know I messed up. I’ve been dwelling on this for far too long though. Everyone messes up, but at least I took the time and effort to make things right. I tried proving to him that I’m trustworthy. So I don’t understand why I should keep beating myself up over this. I want nothing more than to be with him right now, but if he’s not in this to make it work then I won’t wait around and I plan on telling him that. In the beginning he told me that we would give it the summer to see how things go, but he’s just going to go with the flow and of he finds someone else, he does; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Now that’s exactly what I plan on telling him. If someone comes along, I’m going to give them a chance because I can’t keep trying and waiting around for nothing. Now the only problem with this whole epiphany is that I’ve been pmsing and extra emotional, so I don’t know if I’m even making the right decision by telling him my conclusion. I figured I’d wait until my period is over and maybe I’ll visit him first to see if that might open his eyes to the fact that I’ve been here proving myself to him this whole time. Maybe then he will start to meet me half way, but if he doesn’t, he’ll get an ultimatum.
The last thing I’d like to bring up is how this whole epiphany has hurt me. And if you have read my previous entries, you know how I get when guys hurt me. And if you haven’t read my previous posts, GO READ THEM! But if you’re too lazy to do that, I’ll brief you quickly; you see I’m the kind of person that if I get hurt, I want others to hurt. I’m a horrible person, I know. But if a guy hurts me I go through these phases where I just want to hookup with guys and play them and hurt them. I want to make innocent guys feel the pain I’m feeling. Why? Just because I can. It’s just how I’ve always been, that was my way of coping. I never could stop it. My point here is that I couldn’t stop my old ways until now. After this experience, I was hurting and my first thought was, “who am I going to talk to and hurt now; who’s my first victim.” Then I stopped, 💡I thought to myself, if there is one thing I learned from this whole situation where I hurt Will, hooked up with his teammate/roommate/friend, and fucked everything up, it’s not to do what I’ve done. I’ve just lived through all this turmoil because of what I did before and how heartless I was. Why would I set myself up for it again? I’m in this position BECAUSE of my old ways, why would I go back to them? So I thought of Will and I broke the cycle and I realized I don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I’d rather be hurt than hurt others if it means I’ll eventually find happiness with the right person. I’m willing to put myself through that. So Will, I’m sorry you had to hurt at my expense, so I would break my cycle and become a better person. But I am a better person now because of it, and for that, I thank you. ❤ ❤

What am I fighting for?

So, part two of the Will story… Things had gotten better since my last post. I tried to make it up to Will, in fact I’m still trying. One day, we hung out at a park and he gave me an unexpected and undeserving (on my part) hug. I teared up at first and I told him I teared up a bit, but he claimed he knew that, he noticed. He hugged me again, tighter and I cried, in his arms. I wouldn’t let him see me though because I felt weak and I don’t like being weak. Crying shows weakness, in my eyes at least and I refuse to be weak or show weakness. He had said that it was a good thing though that I had cried because he had seen how truly sorry I was for everything that had happened. I guess that was good then. Anyway, after that we went back to his suite in his dorm and watched a movie and I ended up staying the night and we made out.

A few days later it really began to hit me that he was leaving and I really could lose him and I was about to lose him. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I don’t know how but I somehow managed to take Will out of the friend zone. I think it was the fear of losing him that made me realize how much I do care about him and how much I really do want to be with him because I like him so much. I ended up telling Will that I like him. It was the Friday before finals were starting and we talked about it. He told me he didn’t know what to say to me because he isn’t good with long distance. He was worried about cheating, mainly me over the summer because of my ex being home. And the fact that I previously made out with his friend/roommate/teammate didn’t help. It showed him that I can’t be trusted and I didn’t blame him. Who would trust someone like that? He also said it was the last week and if I had told him like a month sooner things would have been different because we would have been together and he would have gained more trust for me. He told me I was the perfect girl, but I waited too long. We said we would give it the summer and see how things go. When I had later asked him if we were talking or seeing other people over the summer, or what we were, he said he doesn’t know. He said he goes with the flow and if he finds someone else, then he does. And if he doesn’t then he doesn’t. But where does that leave me? Alone. I fucked up and now I’m paying for it because I finally want to be with him and it’s the wrong time, or so he says. Because part of me felt like his decision was also based on him wanting to be with another girl. My theory is that if he had wanted to be with me before, he should have no problem wanting to be with me now. The summer shouldn’t be a problem if we put in the effort to see each other and be with each other, but he doesn’t know if he wants to put in the effort yet. Which is heartbreaking. I also thought he had a thing with his best girl friend at home. She likes him so much and he knows it and he’s told me about her. He took her to her prom and even gave her hope that they may be together in the future. Which he claims he isn’t interested in her. But it bothers me that he is still giving her this “false hope” which I don’t know how “false” it really is… I’m worried I’m losing him, if I haven’t already, to this girl. I know I fucked up but I’ve been trying to make it right with him and I’m hurting myself in the process. I slept with this kid, I’ve fallen asleep in his arms and woke up there too, several times. I also had sex with him. He’s the second guy. I take that stuff very seriously, but I wanted to with him because he is someone I care so much for. I don’t regret it, but it just shows how much I really care about him. Yesterday I went home for the summer. I didn’t get to say bye to him so I drove back to college with my best friend and had them meet each other and just so I could say bye to him in person. I wanted to hug him one last time and kiss him one last time. I cried. I cried in his arms when he said it again, “I don’t know what to tell you” I wouldn’t let him see me, but he knew I was crying. I got in my car and bawled my eyes out. My friend told me we would visit him over the summer and it would be okay. But my fear is that he won’t want me to visit because he will be with someone else, that girl. I’m so willing to fix things and be with him now and he keeps fighting it, I don’t know if I can keep trying. I want to but I feel like this is his subtle hint at telling me to just let go because it’s too late now. I feel like things are different ever since I told him I like him. Now there’s another guy that is head over heels for me. He thinks I’m the greatest girl, but he is oblivious to everything. Will actually confronted me about this guy saying things like oh your boyfriend is texting you, and all these unnecessary comments. But he also claims not to be jealous because he has nothing to be jealous about. That bothers me. My thinking is that if he really isn’t jealous of some other guy trying to get me, then maybe he doesn’t really care about me enough to think he could lose me. So if he doesn’t care, what am I fighting for?

I fucked up. Big time.

I fucked up. How else can I put it? I was with a guy during my first semester of college, his name is Will, and then we went our separate ways and went back to our ex’s. We remained friends and then when my ex and I broke up again this kid from college wanted to be with me again. He’s such a sweetheart. He truly cared about me. I told him I couldn’t be with anyone because I was hurt from ending it with my ex. He completely understood and waited patiently for me, telling me that I deserve to be happy and he knew how I felt. I told him how I hurt guys and that’s how I cope. I tend to “hook up” with guys to get my mind off my ex boyfriends and when they like me I drop them and I hurt the people who care about me. He told me he was the same way and that no matter what I couldn’t hurt him because he has gone through hell. I told him I was afraid I was going to hurt him, and I meant that because I know how I am. During this period I accidentally friend zoned Will and I don’t know how. Finally when I decided I wanted to give it another try I realized I didn’t feel the same way anymore and it was unfortunate because he is a nice guy, he is someone I should be with, but I couldn’t take him out of the friend zone. I didn’t know how. So we remained friends. He liked me and I knew it but we were just friends.

Now we get to the part where I fucked up our friendship. I was at a party a few weeks ago and I saw his attractive roommate/teammate/close friend that I had been talking to for a bit and I went up to him and kissed him. I did it. And it didn’t stop there, I was making out with him. Then we would stop and say how wrong we thought it was because of Will. But that didn’t stop us, we kept making out. Sooo the roommate and I eventually agreed to forget that it happened and not tell Will because he would be too mad. The worst part was that while this was happening, I knew the risk I was taking and I didn’t care. I actually felt bad that I didn’t feel bad about what I did.

This past weekend was one of the best ever. I hung out with friends, went out to parties and had such a great time. It was exactly what I expected college to be like. I even went to an ABC party with Will and and other friends and he kept me away from a few guys that were creeping on me and I was right by his side the whole night, it was nice. Then I ended up staying over, which wasn’t the first time, but it wasn’t supposed to happen. Either way, we hooked up. We didn’t have sex though because I was drunk and he has more respect for me than that. One of my fears was that I would get him and lead him on if we hooked up, but we still hooked up. It was nice waking up next to Will and that was the best weekend in a long time. Then we spent the next day together and that was also great.

Back to the story, as of tonight the roommate told Will what happened at the party. He didn’t talk to me about it beforehand, just told Will. Now will wants nothing to do with me and I’m hurt. I didn’t care about the consequences before, but now I’m upset that I hurt him. He always said I wouldn’t hurt him, but I knew I could and I told him I was afraid of it, and I did it. I never wanted to, but somehow I always find a way to fuck things up. He’s done with me. Blocked me, unfollowed me, and I’m sure he deleted my number. Now I’m stuck in this rut. I just made some wonderful memories with him and now this?! I don’t know what I was thinking. I just can’t believe I did this. I knew I was cold hearted. I told Will how heartless I am, but I never realized I was this bad. Will liked me. He really cared about me, he was a nice guy! And I hooked up with his roommate/friend/teammate. What is wrong with me? How could I do that to someone? ESPECIALLY HIM?! But I did it. I hated girls like myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I became the person I never wanted to be. I changed for the worse. Want to know something else? Will told me I changed. He said “this isn’t the person I knew in the beginning of the year. That girl wouldn’t just hook up with anyone, ever” now look at me… I’m really horrible. I want to change back. I don’t want to be this person. All I do is hurt the people who care about me. And don’t get me wrong, I still can’t take Will out of the friend zone, I see him as a friend. But I don’t want to lose a great friend… I’m afraid that we will never speak to each other again. He’s transferring anyway as I wanted to keep in touch but now I won’t ever talk to him again because I know he wants nothing to do with me. Even if he did talk to me I know it will never be the same again. He will have lost all trust and respect for me, and I don’t blame him. I can’t imagine what I would do if I were in his place… Lesson learned, don’t lose sight of yourself and never hurt those that care the most about you, no matter what. You’ll end up like me, posting on my blog at 4:41 in the morning because you can’t sleep because you’re soo disgusted with yourself… I’m sorry to Will, and myself.

Karma is only a bitch if you are.

Karma really bites people in the ass sometimes. I know this from firsthand experiences. I put myself in bad situations where I hurt people or I do something wrong. I always am aware of what I’m doing and the consequences of that before I actually do those things. I do things knowing fully well that I’m going to get fucked over by karma because of what I do. At the time and in the moment I could care less about karma and I tell myself I’ll deal with it when it happens… But then things don’t turn out the way I plan and karma happens and I get hurt. I mean I guess I really can’t complain though because I do technically put these things on myself in the first place. I guess I just never learn my lesson; I probably never will either. Matter of fact, karma recently got me for playing with guys’ emotions. And now I’m waiting for more karma because I fucked up last night with someone. I hooked up with a previous crush’s roommate. My old crush still likes me and I slept in his bed the other night actually, and now I hooked up with his friend/roomie. And what’s worse is that I don’t feel any remorse for it. The other kid feels worse than I do. I just feel bad that I don’t have any remorse… I like the kid I hooked up with last night. I’ve had my eye on him for quite some time now. So we’ll see how things go and how I get fucked over. I’m a bad person and I deserve my karma when it comes. It’s just a shame I can’t stop.