Maybe I just expected too much

I have been depressed and I didn’t even know it until now. Depression sort of sneaks up on you sometimes. I haven’t been truly happy in months, and I can’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled. I’m always known for being the happiest girl. No one ever thinks there is anything wrong but I just mask my feelings well.
I don’t want this to be another sappy heartbreak story, but I’m afraid there’s a fine line here and my story is flirting with it.
There have been guys in my life that come and go just like any girl may have. Normally I don’t get upset over petty guys that enter and leave my life, but now I’m confused. In order to understand my perspective, I need to explain the beginning. I started liking a guy named Nick (another one, I know). Nick isn’t the kind of guy that goes out to parties and socializes; he says inside and keep to himself and close friends. That’s not a problem, he enjoys being this way and I stood by him. It didn’t seem like he supported me though. I like to do different things, I’m not a party girl, I don’t go out all the time, but I do enjoy going out. Nick almost makes me feel bad for wanting to go to parties. And that’s just one example. He just makes me feel lowly about myself or guilty for wanting to go out and I don’t believe he trusts me. That hurts. So I gave things a chance and now I’m feeling as if I can’t be with him. I plan to end it.
This didn’t depress me. Nick is one of those guys that can walk in and out of my life and it won’t affect me. What bothered me this weekend was the fact that I got a text Friday night from Will, remember him? Well I was dumbfounded. I sat there thinking, “after all of this shit he put me through, he thinks he can just talk to me like nothing is wrong?” he said he was visiting my college for the weekend and he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too, even though he hurt me. I saw him at a party, talked a bit, and then left. Later that same night, I asked him to come over to hangout and talk. When he came we talked about everything that happened previously. He took the blame for what happened between us, and apologized. He said he has always cared about and always will. If I need anything, to call him or text him. He said he never stopped thinking about me and even his friends hear about me. Him and I ended up making out. It just felt so right between us. The chemistry was still there, it was like he never left. I missed feeling that way about a guy, I missed having someone there to hold me and comfort me. Us together, was passionate. I was ecstatic to have him there. I hadn’t seen this guy in 7 months and it was just so unreal that he was there, this weekend, with me. I hadn’t been truly happy for sometime, but that night I was in complete euphoria. I had the most genuine smile on my face and nothing could have changed that. I hadn’t felt so strongly for a person in awhile. I missed Will, everything about him. When we were together in college last year, I stayed the night, and he respected me. I missed falling asleep in his arms. I always felt safe with him. Will didn’t stay the night though because I couldn’t risk Nick coming over in the morning and seeing Will.
The next night, Saturday, I told Will to sleep over. I planned on having sex with him this time because the night before I realized how the feelings between us never left and I could sense the sexual tension between the both of us. I didn’t go to a party that night, instead I stayed in and drank with some friends. Will did go out, and he was supposed to come back to my place after the party. Next thing I know, I’m waiting up for him and it’s 2 in the morning and someone texts me from his phone saying he’s drunk and passed out at a friend’s.
Feelings of sorrow and anger came rushing, flooding my body. I just was hurt. Completely broken and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why it hurt me so bad to have that happen. I hadn’t seen this guy in 7 months and I haven’t talked to him for about 5. Then he comes back, I spend part of one night with him, and now I’m a wreck because he doesn’t show up the next night. But I’m confused, why does it hurt me so bad? I bawled my eyes out that night, cried myself to sleep, and when I woke up, I cried some more.
This morning, he called me. He was outside my building. He forgot his hat the night he came over so I went to give it back to him. As I approached the car he got out, took the hat, and hugged me. I did not return the hug. He stood me up! How could I? How could I let him think that was okay? I was looking forward to him staying over that night and he let himself get so drunk to the point where he passes out and can’t even respond to me himself! I was furious! As I stood there in front of him, I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. My eyes began to gloss over and tears were pooling up. I looked away. I didn’t know what to say to him except, “you’re ridiculous” to which he responded saying, “I know.” I looked up at him, eye to eye, and said I was leaving. He didn’t stop me and I think that’s what hurt the most. He just let me walk away so easily. How could that have been the same guy that told me he never stopped thinking about me? The same guy that told me he always cared about me, I don’t know. As I walked through my building back to my room, I held in my tears. The second I reached my door, I burst out crying. That was it. I hoped he would do something to make things right, but he didn’t in that moment, nor any moment after that. I doubt he will make an effort. This is the guy that now lives 6 hours away from me. Why would he make an effort? He probably won’t see me again, if not for a very long while. So am I overreacting? Did I expect too much out of a guy that I’m not dating, a guy I hadn’t seen for 7 months? Forgive me for feeling that chemistry. Forgive me for believing things were as if he never left. Forgive me for being so naive. I just don’t know. Did I maybe deserve this? Because I had been seeing Will this weekend when I hadn’t ended it with Nick yet? Is it karma? Or is it my idiocy. I just can’t fathom how unreal and right things felt that Friday night, and now he doesn’t even say sorry.
I just missed him so much. How can you call me beautiful, say you might have a reason now to come back to this college, and then do this to me? I can’t… I just don’t know.

You can’t dwell on the past and expect to move forward. Pain is only Temporary.

So I’m hurt. Will hasn’t really shown much sign of us improving. Even though he is two and a half hours away and can’t actually see me and see that I have been attempting to make this work, I’ve been trying to prove to him that I really can be faithful and that I’m putting in 110%. However he hasn’t done the same. I thought things were getting better and we were moving forward; especially because when we had conversations I would make comments about how he would get along with my family and he would tell me that he was sure he would. He also mentioned that he might come visit and actually meet my family, and so on and so forth. Things were looking up. I decided to test it though, so I didn’t text him one day to see if he would make an effort to talk to me. Then that day passed and another day passed, until I sent him a picture of a project I had done. I had created a melted crayon canvas and I only sent him the picture of my finished project because earlier in the year we sat on his couch and looked up art projects and I told him I wanted to do this some day. It was just a nice memory and I thought and hoped it would spark his memory of a time when we were together and happy. I didn’t try to start a conversation, just merely wanted him to remember and see this. He mentioned that he remembered how I always said I wanted to do this and I told him he was right. And for that short moment I was ecstatic, but then he never continued our conversation. So I had said goodnight and put my hopes to rest. Days continued to pass until the next thing I know I haven’t spoken to him in a week. And it just showed me that he didn’t care enough to talk to me. He was okay with never hearing from me. It never occurred to him that something was wrong. I realized he wasn’t meeting me halfway, I was putting in all the work and if I didn’t try, we would never have spoken since our last goodbye at college.

I decided to keep trying and talking to him and hoped I’d get through to him and make him realize things would work between us despite what happened in the past. So recently, we had a nice conversation and upon saying good night, I questioned whether the way he speaks to me has changed. So I re read some messages from months earlier and noticed how much he tried to be with me and to prove that he wanted me and only me. He put in the effort and now when he speaks to me he doesn’t try anymore. So I got upset because when I re read those conversations I also noticed how much I didn’t care that he was trying. I disregarded him and his efforts and now the tables have turned. And I realized the tables turned because of what I did to him and I blamed myself for everything. So I apologized yet again saying,

This is completely off topic and out of the blue and I should be asleep but I guess I never really realized how great you were before and how much you tried hanging out with me at college and how sweet you were and understanding with me. I’m sorry I took you for granted. I don’t know what made this thought pop in my mind. But it did. And I wanted to tell you.

his reply was cold,

Dont worry about it the past is the past goodnight lidia

afterwards I had said,

You always say that but I can’t help but dwell and I know I must get annoying by bringing up all this stuff, you probably don’t want to keep hearing about it and I’m sorry for that. I just fucked up and I’m sorry, good night Will.

The fact that he never answered me or decided to text me in the morning or even days later was a colder reply.

It was now that I realized I can’t keep waiting on someone who doesn’t want to be with me; or someone who does, but isn’t showing it or that won’t show it because of distance and the lack of trust due to the past. And I thought about it, I know I messed up. I’ve been dwelling on this for far too long though. Everyone messes up, but at least I took the time and effort to make things right. I tried proving to him that I’m trustworthy. So I don’t understand why I should keep beating myself up over this. I want nothing more than to be with him right now, but if he’s not in this to make it work then I won’t wait around and I plan on telling him that. In the beginning he told me that we would give it the summer to see how things go, but he’s just going to go with the flow and of he finds someone else, he does; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Now that’s exactly what I plan on telling him. If someone comes along, I’m going to give them a chance because I can’t keep trying and waiting around for nothing. Now the only problem with this whole epiphany is that I’ve been pmsing and extra emotional, so I don’t know if I’m even making the right decision by telling him my conclusion. I figured I’d wait until my period is over and maybe I’ll visit him first to see if that might open his eyes to the fact that I’ve been here proving myself to him this whole time. Maybe then he will start to meet me half way, but if he doesn’t, he’ll get an ultimatum.
The last thing I’d like to bring up is how this whole epiphany has hurt me. And if you have read my previous entries, you know how I get when guys hurt me. And if you haven’t read my previous posts, GO READ THEM! But if you’re too lazy to do that, I’ll brief you quickly; you see I’m the kind of person that if I get hurt, I want others to hurt. I’m a horrible person, I know. But if a guy hurts me I go through these phases where I just want to hookup with guys and play them and hurt them. I want to make innocent guys feel the pain I’m feeling. Why? Just because I can. It’s just how I’ve always been, that was my way of coping. I never could stop it. My point here is that I couldn’t stop my old ways until now. After this experience, I was hurting and my first thought was, “who am I going to talk to and hurt now; who’s my first victim.” Then I stopped, 💡I thought to myself, if there is one thing I learned from this whole situation where I hurt Will, hooked up with his teammate/roommate/friend, and fucked everything up, it’s not to do what I’ve done. I’ve just lived through all this turmoil because of what I did before and how heartless I was. Why would I set myself up for it again? I’m in this position BECAUSE of my old ways, why would I go back to them? So I thought of Will and I broke the cycle and I realized I don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I’d rather be hurt than hurt others if it means I’ll eventually find happiness with the right person. I’m willing to put myself through that. So Will, I’m sorry you had to hurt at my expense, so I would break my cycle and become a better person. But I am a better person now because of it, and for that, I thank you. ❤ ❤