I spoke with a psychic yesterday out of curiosity and for fun. She told me about my past, present, and future. The psychic began by saying I’m a good hearted person and I give and try to help people but they don’t always do the same for me. She said I’m not surrounded by the best people right now. Two of my friends I can’t trust, and I know who they are. The second she told me that, two people came to mind. She continued by telling me how there is a guy right now in my life and I like him a lot but things aren’t going to work out. Him and I should just remain friends. There is a guy in my life right now and he is leaving for the navy tomorrow (technically today) and we actually spoke about where we see ourselves and we are trying but he doesn’t have me convinced that he believes we’ll work. So I guess we’ll see. She also told me I’m a jealous person which is 100% true. When I realized she nailed it and got me down to a tee I thought I’d actually listen to what she said my future consisted of. She said I haven’t met my soulmate yet. I’ll meet him in a year to a year and a half at a party. A friend of mine will introduce us. but that kind of bothers me because I still like this navy kid a lot. It bothers me that she told me not to be with one of the guys that knows me inside and out, I’m afraid of losing him, a guy that was crazy about me. But apparently I’m going to date this kid for a while and eventually marry him. I’ll end up with three kids, twin girls and a boy. I will be financially secure and the guy I will marry comes from a well off family. He will travel a lot due to his job and sometimes I’ll travel with him and other times I won’t. But I’ll also end up living in a warm region. I’ll only be with my soulmate, no divorces. And I will live a long happy life. She did see illness however, but nothing too serious. She complimented my auora as well. I guess we’ll see where this goes. I’m just so upset about her telling me it won’t work with the guy in my life right now (navy kid) and we will only be friends. I blew her off with that, but these past few days the guy in my life right now has become more distant and seems like he isn’t trying at all. And he told me that he wants to get through bootcamp and school first before he thinks about a relationship. He said he doesn’t want me to wait for him and if someone better comes along I should give them a try. But I doubt someone will and plus I don’t want anyone right now. And I’m scared this psychic will be right because things aren’t looking well with my navy guy. And I’m afraid that when he does come back maybe he will want to be with me but I will have found someone. I should be okay with it though right? Because it is supposed to be my soulmate. But I’m not okay with it. Mainly because I’m afraid I never gave my navy guy a fair shot in the years we’ve been on and off with each other. And because of what happened with Will, I’m afraid of screwing something up with a nice guy. How could she tell me that a guy that knows me so well is better off as my friend and it won’t work? How dare she. And on top of that, the navy guy has always told me how great I am, how beautiful I am, and how any guy would be lucky to have me and would kill for a girl like me. He brings me up. He always has. And now he’s telling me how if he can’t give me the best and what I deserve then I should be with someone else who can, someone better than him. But how could there be anyone better than the guy that has always told me I deserve the best and truly believes it, more than I do. I’m lost, and I don’t know what to think. I just don’t think he’s interested or fully into this, so I’m just going with the flow. Whatever happens, happens. Hopefully my navy guy comes back in a year from now as a new person and the old him can introduce me to the new him.
I did it. I told Will. I poured my heart out to him and I left myself vulnerable. I got hurt. Maybe this is my final karma. I told him,
“Okay well, can you please tell me where we stand then? I know you said that you’re just going with the flow but I need to know if you see us going anywhere because I’ve been putting in the effort and you aren’t. You just don’t seem interested and if I don’t text you or try to talk to you, then we don’t talk. I wanted to see you over the summer. I wanted to make it work. You’re the one who told me not to give up on someone I care about and clearly I care about you otherwise I wouldn’t keep bringing this up and bothering you about it. I just don’t want to hold on if you don’t see it going anywhere. And if you tell me that you don’t know, I guess I’m just gonna go with the flow as well and if someone comes along I’ll give them a try. I would love to be with you, but if you still aren’t sure, I’m not going to wait around and hurt myself in the process. I’ve tried proving myself to you that I can be trusted even if we’re 2 hours away, whether you know it or not and you don’t realize how many times nick has tried to see me and hang out and I just don’t. Because I don’t want to, because I’m trying to make this work.”
And he replied,
“Well honestly idk if it would work i didnt get into ship and im going to be moving out near pittsburg soon. I think it would just be best for you to move on”
So here I am. I’m numb. I bawled my eyes out until I could no longer produce tears. I don’t know. I’m at a loss for words. I’m emotionless and numb. But even novacaine can’t completely take away the pain. When the numbing goes away, I’ll still be left with the swelling and pain. But they will both go away and time will heal all. That’s when I’ll be able to move on completely, but for now I’m laying in bed at 3:18 in the morning because my dry eyes won’t rest.
What hurts the most is that I found someone I could tell everything to. Someone who understood me and kept me in line and always forgave me and listened to me. He gave me advice and stood by my side no matter how ridiculous I was being. He knew how to push my buttons and keep me coming back for more. We play fought and he challenged me all the time and I loved it. He’s respectful and never took advantage of me even when I was intoxicated; instead, he took care of me. Made sure I had warm clothes and I stayed hydrated. He held me close in his arms and in the morning that’s where I woke, in his arms. This guy knew me better than I knew myself. He had said it himself, we were too much alike. I was just like him. We were the same person.
Now when I go back to college it’s not going to be the same. I’m going to want to walk to his building and go in his suite and see him. I’ll want to fall asleep in his arms, comfortably in his tee shirt and shorts, to awaken in his arms. I’ll want to spend time with him, go out to parties with him, maybe the park, and just be with him. But I can’t. I can’t do any of these things because he’s not going to be there and that hurts.
I feel alone. Not so much now as I will once I’m on campus. Like I said, he cared (or cares, so I hope) about me. He would protect me. He would be there if I needed him. He said “call me and I’ll come.” He comforted me when I needed comforting. But he can’t do that now. And I feel like without him, I am all alone. I’m just hurting, badly. I keep reminiscing and it gets me nowhere. I don’t get how he could be so cold. I miss him already.
So I’m hurt. Will hasn’t really shown much sign of us improving. Even though he is two and a half hours away and can’t actually see me and see that I have been attempting to make this work, I’ve been trying to prove to him that I really can be faithful and that I’m putting in 110%. However he hasn’t done the same. I thought things were getting better and we were moving forward; especially because when we had conversations I would make comments about how he would get along with my family and he would tell me that he was sure he would. He also mentioned that he might come visit and actually meet my family, and so on and so forth. Things were looking up. I decided to test it though, so I didn’t text him one day to see if he would make an effort to talk to me. Then that day passed and another day passed, until I sent him a picture of a project I had done. I had created a melted crayon canvas and I only sent him the picture of my finished project because earlier in the year we sat on his couch and looked up art projects and I told him I wanted to do this some day. It was just a nice memory and I thought and hoped it would spark his memory of a time when we were together and happy. I didn’t try to start a conversation, just merely wanted him to remember and see this. He mentioned that he remembered how I always said I wanted to do this and I told him he was right. And for that short moment I was ecstatic, but then he never continued our conversation. So I had said goodnight and put my hopes to rest. Days continued to pass until the next thing I know I haven’t spoken to him in a week. And it just showed me that he didn’t care enough to talk to me. He was okay with never hearing from me. It never occurred to him that something was wrong. I realized he wasn’t meeting me halfway, I was putting in all the work and if I didn’t try, we would never have spoken since our last goodbye at college.
I decided to keep trying and talking to him and hoped I’d get through to him and make him realize things would work between us despite what happened in the past. So recently, we had a nice conversation and upon saying good night, I questioned whether the way he speaks to me has changed. So I re read some messages from months earlier and noticed how much he tried to be with me and to prove that he wanted me and only me. He put in the effort and now when he speaks to me he doesn’t try anymore. So I got upset because when I re read those conversations I also noticed how much I didn’t care that he was trying. I disregarded him and his efforts and now the tables have turned. And I realized the tables turned because of what I did to him and I blamed myself for everything. So I apologized yet again saying,
This is completely off topic and out of the blue and I should be asleep but I guess I never really realized how great you were before and how much you tried hanging out with me at college and how sweet you were and understanding with me. I’m sorry I took you for granted. I don’t know what made this thought pop in my mind. But it did. And I wanted to tell you.
his reply was cold,
Dont worry about it the past is the past goodnight lidia
afterwards I had said,
You always say that but I can’t help but dwell and I know I must get annoying by bringing up all this stuff, you probably don’t want to keep hearing about it and I’m sorry for that. I just fucked up and I’m sorry, good night Will.
The fact that he never answered me or decided to text me in the morning or even days later was a colder reply.
It was now that I realized I can’t keep waiting on someone who doesn’t want to be with me; or someone who does, but isn’t showing it or that won’t show it because of distance and the lack of trust due to the past. And I thought about it, I know I messed up. I’ve been dwelling on this for far too long though. Everyone messes up, but at least I took the time and effort to make things right. I tried proving to him that I’m trustworthy. So I don’t understand why I should keep beating myself up over this. I want nothing more than to be with him right now, but if he’s not in this to make it work then I won’t wait around and I plan on telling him that. In the beginning he told me that we would give it the summer to see how things go, but he’s just going to go with the flow and of he finds someone else, he does; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Now that’s exactly what I plan on telling him. If someone comes along, I’m going to give them a chance because I can’t keep trying and waiting around for nothing. Now the only problem with this whole epiphany is that I’ve been pmsing and extra emotional, so I don’t know if I’m even making the right decision by telling him my conclusion. I figured I’d wait until my period is over and maybe I’ll visit him first to see if that might open his eyes to the fact that I’ve been here proving myself to him this whole time. Maybe then he will start to meet me half way, but if he doesn’t, he’ll get an ultimatum.
The last thing I’d like to bring up is how this whole epiphany has hurt me. And if you have read my previous entries, you know how I get when guys hurt me. And if you haven’t read my previous posts, GO READ THEM! But if you’re too lazy to do that, I’ll brief you quickly; you see I’m the kind of person that if I get hurt, I want others to hurt. I’m a horrible person, I know. But if a guy hurts me I go through these phases where I just want to hookup with guys and play them and hurt them. I want to make innocent guys feel the pain I’m feeling. Why? Just because I can. It’s just how I’ve always been, that was my way of coping. I never could stop it. My point here is that I couldn’t stop my old ways until now. After this experience, I was hurting and my first thought was, “who am I going to talk to and hurt now; who’s my first victim.” Then I stopped, 💡I thought to myself, if there is one thing I learned from this whole situation where I hurt Will, hooked up with his teammate/roommate/friend, and fucked everything up, it’s not to do what I’ve done. I’ve just lived through all this turmoil because of what I did before and how heartless I was. Why would I set myself up for it again? I’m in this position BECAUSE of my old ways, why would I go back to them? So I thought of Will and I broke the cycle and I realized I don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I’d rather be hurt than hurt others if it means I’ll eventually find happiness with the right person. I’m willing to put myself through that. So Will, I’m sorry you had to hurt at my expense, so I would break my cycle and become a better person. But I am a better person now because of it, and for that, I thank you. ❤ ❤
So, I did it. Finally ended it with my boyfriend. I’m miserable and feel like shit. I’ve been bawling my eyes out nonstop. I just wish we didn’t have to end it because of my parents. He knows he has my heart and always will, and vice versa with me. We both knew it was bound to happen and it was a matter of time. Personally, I had been fighting with the decision for quite some time but I knew that holding on would just make it harder. All I want is to hold onto him, but I can’t. I miss him already. We were talking about still keeping in contact and hanging out whenever we got the opportunity to. He wants to still be “best friends” but I think we both know after everything we’ve been through we can’t be best friends because we love each other more than that. However, I’m willing to try because I need him in my life. And he was mentioning that he wanted us to maybe try again in the future and I told him I would love to because I don’t believe we had a fair shot this time. He is most definitely my high school sweetheart. I know we will be together again because I just can’t resist him, haha. God, I love this kid. I’ve liked him since seventh grade, and we’ve been together on and off for almost two years now. He knows me inside and out and even though I know in my heart we can’t stay away from each other, I still cry and I’m still upset and miserable because I still had to let him go. He knows that he doesn’t compare to anyone else. He is my one and only and I love him. I just want to be with him… but I can’t.